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This Time, Lemonade Sits

This afternoon I realized the inevitable: lemonade stands just aren’t effective anymore. Now, I understand that “anymore” is a confusing term. I could be noting that lemonade stands were effective up until this morning, or I could be noting that they haven’t been effective since the invention of refrigeration. But none of that matters. All I know is that I have no plans in the near future to buy lemonade from a stand, especially while sitting. And it is primarily because the kids who run lemonade stands maintain business practices that are, quite frankly, too good. Here are some examples:

No tax — Kids very rarely add tax to their lemonade prices. Some may argue that it’s because they are already charging 50 cents for a glass of water with a lemon and hand residue on it, or because their Fisher-Price registers do not know how to calculate tax, but I’d rather give them the benefit of the doubt.

Easy return policy — It’s very easy to get your money back if you don’t like the lemonade. But the reality is, you’d have to be a creep to make that request. Telling a kid you don’t like the lemonade is like slapping the kid in the face — twice! The first would be for the insult and the second would be because you are a stranger who shouldn’t be talking to him. But essentially the return policy is an effective one: if you want your money back, you can just stick your hand in the envelope and take it back. I think this policy would work well with fast-food restaurants, but then they’d have to add a button with a picture of a “return” on it, and it’s hard to draw that.

Cheap advertising — Lemonade advertising consists of an old piece of cardboard with the price on it (the price of the lemonade, that is — not the cardboard). No celebrity endorsements. No commercials. No coupons. Ah, if only e-mail could say the same these days!

Sympathy — I don’t like having to feel sympathy for a business. Frankly, it should usually be the other way around. But in the case of lemonade stands, the kids will tell you that the money is being used to save up for something as big as a globe, or maybe for an actual globe. This leads many people to buy the product without actually wanting it. If this principle was evident with every other business, we’d all be wearing those hats with the straws connected to them, and we’d all be sleeping on Craftmatic adjustable beds.

In summary — for those who like to summarize — lemonade stands are a lesson to businesspeople all around the world. People can say all they want about the value of business schools. But I say the best business school is the one that begins with “lemon,” ends with “ade,” and has a whole lot of nothing in between. So I’ll stay away from these stands because I know what’s good for me… and because I don’t want to take away the spotlight from my own lemonade stand. Speaking of which, it is time to unplug the light before the neighbors complain ...

But I digress.

Gagliardi is a writer, teacher and newspaper adviser.

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